Voices

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This month I am pleased to welcome my good friend Dr. Deon Brown. I've known Deon well before he was Dr. and we served as life group leaders at our previous church. Knowing him has inspired me to really begin to take better care of my own mental health as well as begin to advocate that black and brown communities do the same along with their physical health. Outside of his studies, Deon is really just a cool and humble guy. I am hoping you all take some time to hear some of our conversation this month. 

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Opening Up

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How do you want to be seen at this moment, beyond your credentials?
As a man of God who is consistent, who shows up for others and himself, who speaks up and makes decisions for himself while also considering wise counsel and prioritizing God’s will for his life.

Scholarship & Humanity

Where do you feel the tension between knowing something intellectually and living it emotionally?​

I would say in my teaching currently. I teach Research Methods in Human Development and Family Sciences at the University of Houston. One of my friends literally just told me the other day that I’m essentially teaching your life with your primary responsibility being research and yet I still feel the need to practice my slides thoroughly prior to class and say my notes verbatim. Lately I’ve been praying to release the desire to be or at least present perfect. I know that I know the content in my course, but my personality disappears when I read directly from the slide and my confidence doesn’t always show up in the classroom. I think I’m starting to live out the content emotionally by using supplemental resources, inserting my research experience, and exploring different ways to relay the content to my students.

What has your work taught you about patience, with yourself and others?
My work has taught me that I’m often too hard on myself. Many of my career experiences are developmentally appropriate, meaning that they make sense for the current stage of my career, but it often doesn’t feel that way because I tend to try to ‘beat others to the punch’ or share my struggles before anyone else can point them out. Others often reassure me that I am right where I need to be. As for patience with others, my work has taught me to stop worrying so much. Collaborating with others on research can be anxiety-provoking in academia where “publish or perish” is the mantra. Oftentimes I find myself waiting on feedback from mentors or colleagues as we approach a deadline. I have learned that they are hardly ever as worried as me and that deadlines can be extended, which leads me to trust in the process more. Peer review is such a critical aspect of science and I’m learning to let the reviewers do their job instead of critiquing every aspect of my work before I share it. That is how procrastination occurs and you never get the paper out or progress with writing.

Grief & Healing

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What did losing your father rearrange in you?
This is a great question. Losing my father rearranged my emotions. Ironically enough a lot of the suppression I learned came in the context of my relationship with him. I always say that he was the disciplinarian, so I held back emotions with him (namely anger) out of respect. I essentially learned to ‘tip-toe’ around his emotions while neglecting my own emotional experience. Our relationship began to change in college when we had physical separation and he began to express more emotion or affection (e.g., telling me he loved me). My father and I got significantly closer in the last several years of his life. We were talking on the phone multiple times a week, more than I did with my mother, which was different for me. I began to be more open with him about things, even when I was worried about his response. I think I was eager to assert my independence in the relationship given that it had been ‘one-sided or authoritarian for so long. My dad began to see me as an individual and for the man I was becoming. Previously he was so invested in my decisions that he didn’t give me the space to make them on my own. He always said it was on me to “learn the hard way” and grow from my mistakes, but the truth is that he cared so much that he didn’t want to see me fail in any way. In hindsight this hindered me in some ways but I understand his love better now. Losing my father also rearranged my priorities. I always had him to watch over my mom and sister while I was away building my career but the man of the house was gone and it made me want to step up to the extent that I could. I always was close with my mom and sister but my life became even more centered on them after his passing. I really started to embrace my singleness at the time because I wanted to steward my biological family well. We all worked together to cover all of the responsibilities that he had in the house. It amazed us and put things into perspective to see all that he did for us. He truly was the man of the house and we learned that none of us could fulfill that role individually. In hindsight it made me glad to see that he was finally able to rest.

How has grief changed the way you understand strength?
Well I no longer understand strength as how much you can carry on your own. I remember appearing to be handling things so well at the beginning of the grief journey with my father but to be honest I didn't know how I was handling things and didn’t have a reference point for it. I had lost loved ones before but people always say losing a parent is different. It hit home because we had gotten so close. I didn’t allow myself to process it for a while though. It wasn’t purposeful; I was just processing things as I had learned but grief transformed my approach. There should be a B.G. and A.G. (i.e., before grief and after grief). I remember talking to my sister in the car after church one day (before our dad’s passing I believe) and she had pointed out how strong our family is. It stood out to me because I had never thought of myself as strong but she was right. I realized that we had a strong sense of pride which showed up throughout my life. I think grief helped strip me of that pride and lean more on Jesus. He felt everything and still was a man. I realized that I was in no position to deny myself of human emotion. I deserve to at least feel.

Love, Bell Hooks & Relearning Care

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I can recall you reading All About Love a few years ago. If you can recall, how does Bell Hooks challenge the way Black men are taught to give and receive love?​

This is a great question! I can not recall exactly but what's coming to mind likely encompasses some of what she touched on in the book: Black men can struggle to give love to others because we don’t know how to give it to ourselves. I’ve become less of a fan of the phrase “toxic masculinity” over the years but I still believe that masculinity can be toxic when men are harming themselves and others. The sad part is that many of us don’t see how we are harming ourselves by chronically suppressing our emotions and denying our humanity. Similar to my personal journey we deserve to feel emotions. I’ve struggled to receive love because I didn’t see myself as valuable or deserving of it. I think some Black men may be able to relate to that but they may not admit or be able to recognize it because it’s so common for men in general to hide their insecurities behind the things that society says defines us (e.g., the job, the money, the women). Strip the ego away and some real healing can begin.

What does love require of you now, not in theory, but in practice?
Patience, kindness, following through on my word and being consistent, curiosity, being willing to show up for myself and others, God. I’ve realized that I can’t love well without Him. Otherwise my love is definitely underwhelming and self-serving.

Masculinity, Vulnerability & Boundaries

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What parts of vulnerability still feel risky?
Letting people into my head and expressing my thoughts. I worry that they’re going to judge me or that I won’t make sense to them. It’s much easier and comfortable to remain ‘in my head’ but there’s no peace or life there. Honestly it feels risky to be “seen” by others. I’ve learned that I don’t want to be seen sometimes, which has caused me to go in isolation. Having a genuine community makes it hard to not be seen though. Despite it feeling so risky it’s worth connecting with others and talking thoughts out that really aren’t that rational once they are released. It’s really a blessing to be seen and loved.

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What have you had to unlearn about being a “strong” Black man?

That my strength is not predicated on how much I can bear in this world. I’m reminded of the legend of John Henry in which a Black man raced against a machine to drill a hammer into rock and ultimately winning but dropping dead after the victory. I want to live to tell the story of my victories, which won’t always be physical (e.g., emotional spiritual). That will require rest and running to the Lord when I get weary (Matthew 11:28-30). I can’t do life by myself.

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Love, Future & Becoming

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What does loving well look like at your age, in this season of your life?
Making sacrifices for others and thinking of their needs more than my own, serving my fiance and her daughter, trusting God enough to let Him lead me and listening to wise counsel.
 

What would you say to other Black men navigating grief quietly?
Jesus gives us permission to feel (“Who Gives A Black Man Permission to Feel? [An Ode to Uncle Stan]”, Preston Perry).

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Landing Softly

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What feels sacred to you right now?
My relationship with God, my fiancé and her daughter, and friends.

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You can connect with Deon here. 

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